Vanity. I may not be as vain as some people I've come across, but today, oh man, was I vain. It took five hours for my hair to be sleek and shiny and actually tame. It looks odd on me, one of my brothers said, because my hair's either in a ponytail or just all over the place. My brothers find it weird looking at me because I seem like a different person. My scalp was really painful earlier because of all the yanking and pulling my hair was subjected to. Kawawa naman. This had better last for five months like they said, or else. Well, back to my almost-straight, almost-wavy tresses.

I've been getting text messages from that odd person again. She (or he? Who knows?) insists that I did something bad to her. Whatever, man. It's so weird how people have the energy to just continuously text someone mean messages. And I'm sure they'd be jumping for joy knowing that they are the subject of this entry. Nyar. But really, she sends me messages like look at yourself! you're so payat! and your teeth look like bugs bunny's and your skin! you're so putla! nothing special! Like what the hell? Sure, I never said I had perfect teeth - in fact, they are bunny teeth and whoever said I was special? I blend in. I'm nothing special. But what is she talking about? And she continues to say that I should change. Change to what? To something special?

I'm getting all worked up over this crap. Tsk. Bad, bad, bad.

I've been putting off so much work. I'm supposed to be doing my thesis, but instead I want to go to sleep already. My marketing team is going crazy because our deadline's on Monday. Man. I just want everything to be over.

We used to have a table tennis, er, table. We used to have badminton rackets. We used to have a basketball ring. We used to play all the time. That's what I love about having a semi-big family. There's always someone to play with. We can even play doubles in table tennis. We used to love playing tag, or taguan or sometimes, on very rare occasions, Marco Polo in our garden. The even number makes it possible for us to play on teams. It's usually me and my youngest brother and my Kuya and the one who came after me. Those were fun times.

And then, of course there's the downside with having three brothers. When we were younger, we were so physical with each other. We'd hit each other with remote controls and kick each other until there was a bleeding lip or a bump on the head. Terrible, terrible.

And now, I'm two months away from graduating. My Kuya is kind of working. My younger brother is in the same college as I am, and the youngest is going to start college in a few months! We barely have time together, except when we're all in their room, waiting to be given time to use the computer. I only see my Kuya when he wakes up in the middle of the day, or when he's just about to leave in the evening.

I was coming home from school when I realized how I get so irritated easily with my brothers, while I'm so patient with other people. How come? Is it because I see them all the time? Does that make people more annoying, when you're exposed to them more? Then, shouldn't they be less annoying to me since we barely see each other, anyway? Except for mealtime, mornings and Mass? Ahhh. Questions of life.

This sounded so much better when I was thinking about it in the car. Hahaha. Never mind. d:

I hate it when I'm put in this kind of position. They suddenly decide to make me the representative to this meeting I know nothing about. I don't know what the requirements are so when I get there, I'll be like, huh? And everyone acts as if it's alright not to bring this or that. Geez. Easy for them to say because they're not the ones going to the stupid meeting. I have to figure out everything myself because it seems nobody else knows what I need to have for the meeting. And here I am, complaining to you! A computer screen. Go me.

In other news, tonight will be fun. Dinner with the girls. (: ..and he's coming along! Heh. He calls me Gogo now. Go figure. Maybe it's me and my bang. d:

So I was watching Oprah last night - I couldn't sleep, heh. And they had this guy on who was saying that "Everybody has a story". And the rest of the night I kept thinking, so what's my story?

Attraction. There are a lot of things to consider when you talk about something like this. Similarity. You like the same things, do the same things, are practically the same thing. Complementary. What you lack, the other fills in. Negatives and the picture. Proximity. The more you are within reach of each other, the higher the possibility of attraction.

Ah, I don't know if I'm reviewing for my IPC test on Monday or reviewing my LIFE. (:

Last night, was another ritual of sorts in the club. I have supposedly "accepted Christ" into my life. Honestly, I don't know why I did it "again". (I'm pretty sure we did this sometime last sem, or last year.) Because I'm pretty sure I have him in my life already. I'm not saying my spiritual life is perfect - it's far from that, but anyway. Last night, I was thinking, What does it mean? I'm Catholic, if we're talking about religions here. I've been one since birth. And although there was a time in my life that I've had doubts about being one (with all the controversies surrounding the Roman Catholic Church), I'm pretty much comfortable with my faith now. I know I don't go to Mass just for the sake of it. I still feel this pang of hurt whenever our moderator (or whoever's leading the ministry) mentions something that I feel is an attack to my religion (re: priests, saints, Mass, etc.). So now, I'm thinking, do they expect me to go to the services that they go to? Sometimes I feel like they push the idea too much. I know they mean well, but I'm pretty sure they're scaring off the people. Could I be wrong? I just hope that they don't take it against us if we still continue to attend whatever services we've been going to.

Ah, I don't know.

I'm going to try and do devotionals. I wonder if it'll work for me. My mom has a truckload of books with all these Bible guides. I'm going to try and read on my own, without anyone having to dictate to me what I should, or shouldn't do.

In the four years I've been in college, I've noticed how much I've grown. It's not a drastic change like most people have gone through, I'm sure but they're changes anyway. I realized how I've learned to speak up in class rather than be cooped up in my chair thinking about a hundred different things at one time and not caring to raise my hand to ask a single question. I've learned to be more interactive with my classmates - regardless whether I'm older, or not. I've learned that I don't know everything and it doesn't hurt to say so.

Although there are still things that remain the same about me. I still get self-conscious walking around school alone. I have this fear of slipping down the stairs - what my friends and I like to call "instant popularity". I have fallen down the stairs once or twice, but never with too much people around. So. I still don't know what to say when one of the frat members come up to you and ask for your name (it's a tradition, they say) and I end up furrowing my eyebrows and clutching my things really tight. I still don't understand why the Oblation Run is such a hit (I've never seen it).

Have I really grown up? Or even just.. grown? I hope so. I always say UP's toughened me up a bit. But have I really?

Sometimes, I have this feeling of being a pushover - always having a hard time to say no, thinking that if I do say no, people won't like me. It's great for my friends since they're the ones who benefit from this.. behavior of mine, but how about me? Is this supposed to be normal? For me, at least? I'm slowly learning how to say no, especially if it's such of a hassle for me. It's still a bit hard though. And I wonder why people text me hate messages out of nowhere? Like one of my friends told me, "They're texting you because they know you're nice. They know you're not going to fight back."

I don't know if that's a good thing, or not.

I'm reading through a book by Richard Carlson. It's part of his Don't Sweat the Small Stuff series. I'm doing a book review on Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens for my interpersonal communication class. At first I though it would be a cheesy self-help book but it's actually not so bad. I'm just barely 1/10 into the book (literally, because there are 100 chapters and I just finished the first 10) but it looks quite promising. And no, it doesn't read like a novel or even poetry, but it makes sense. It's quite simple, too. When you think about it, the things written about in this book are things that most of us already know. Like how you should let go of the small things ("bad hair day", certain people not liking you the way you want them to) that bother you so that there will be less stress. But then there are also little suprises that actually teach you. Like how saying "I know" in a conversation can actually be bad thing. (Wow, and I keep saying that, too.)

There are still 90 more "stories" to read through, and I'll bet half of it, or even more are things I've already experienced in my life but never thought that they would be something I could write a whole book on. Ha.

In class last night, we were discussing self-disclosure and all the different aspects to it. It's quite an interesting topic, and I'm pretty sure most of you who have online journals can relate to it. Self-disclosure is basically sharing yourself with other people, thus, making your hidden self (according to the Johari Window) "smaller".

Journals (public ones, anyway) are the epitome of self-disclosure, I think. Sometimes, I worry that I put my life out for people to read. I'm not saying that I put all of me into my LJ or my Blurty, but still. One of my friends, in a birthday card she gave me, wrote that I have my life online. One day, I should be worried about it, she says.

I self-disclose too much sometimes.