Most men forget God all day and ask Him to remember them at night.

"Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice."
Psalm 55:17

About a month ago, I started reading my mother's copy of God's Little Devotional Book every night before I went to sleep. I could never really do what my friends from StreetDance did. To open up the Bible and read a chapter everyday. I felt comfortable with this, though.

So last night, that was what I read. I don't really write much about these things, but I felt like I needed to write this down somewhere. I realize that a lot of times, I do forget about God. I go about my day without even thinking about him, except maybe when I pray before meals or when I feel anxious and I say a quick prayer - out of instinct, maybe. I do remember to take a few minutes before sleeping to talk to Him. Reading that short passage last night, I felt.. guilty? I don't know if it's the right word, but it struck me.

I'm quite far from being a Francis of Assisi - being so lost in prayer - but I'll try.

This sounds like something out of high school morning talks. I actually miss those. I remember in senior year, some of us had the chance to do the morning talk. I think I did it twice. I don't remember which reading I was assigned, or whether I actually talked sense, but I do remember feeling good about it. Thank God for twice-a-week-ministries and Mass on Saturdays. It's like morning talk all over. (:

The trees are swaying outside and the sky is crying furiously. It's actually scary. Hey, at least I'll get to wear the Club jacket for the first time. Ha.

Tomorrow, we're having my cousin's fiance's family over for pamamanhikan. They're set to marry in January, but they're moving it five months earlier (two months from now). I got the news from my mother a few days ago that my cousin was pregnant. I was shocked to say the least. My cousin never struck me as the type - whatever that is. This is the cousin who entered the convent to see whether or not being a nun was her "calling". Everyone was happy for her when she met her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was easy to get along with. We were even happier when we found out they were going to get married.

And then, this. I still don't know what I think about all of this. Everyone else seems disappointed, somehow. Her younger sister was in the same predicament. Although, there was no wedding planned. The wedding just came after the news that she was pregnant.

I guess I could say I'm disappointed if I ask the question, "Why couldn't they wait?" Then, I tell myself, well, maybe they did it because they knew in the end, they were going to get married, anyway? I don't know if that's justification enough.

I got the same "sermon" I got from my mother five years ago when I first had a boyfriend. "Dapat di kayo talaga masyado nagtatabi parati, kasi may kuryente." And I believe that. But I still think that you control your actions and if something happens, you know you wanted it.

My cousin's mom was narrating how her daughter was crying while telling her the news. Her mom seemed to say, "She didn't want to, but she couldn't do anything." To which my mom said, "They both wanted it."

I don't know. Maybe we should be all happy again, after all we're welcoming another life into the family. Maybe we should all just be happy for them and hope that their relationship only grows stronger because of this baby.

Best wishes and congratulations to the couple and family-to-be.

An advanced Fathers' Day gift for my dad was in a small corner of today's newspaper. I didn't think he would react the way that he did. I haven't seen my dad cry since his first Christmas after his stroke. When we called his mom and he realized he couldn't greet her Merry Christmas.

Old dad, new dad

I miss my daddy.

A few years ago, my father suffered from a stroke. He’s never been quite the same from that point on. His weight dropped down. He can no longer walk without the help of a leg brace or a wheelchair. He can only speak limited words or phrases. He no longer plays golf, the perpetual sock markings on his feet have now faded.

These days, mornings are signaled with a cheer from him at the breakfast table.

“Kamusta?” I ask.

“Mabuti,” he answers, almost automatically as if it’s already been programmed into his system.

It doesn’t matter if our exchange is in English. The words remain practically the same.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

It can be quite frustrating to have a conversation with daddy because half the time, I’m the only one speaking. But I’ve learned the art of interpreting his hand gestures, his one-syllable utterances; I’ve re-learned how to understand him.

A lot has changed after his stroke, and I feel like somehow, he’s not the same person that he was before. And I do miss my old dad. I’m even scared that I might have forgotten how conversations between the two of us used to be like.

But there are also new things that I am thankful for. I’m his favorite tooth brusher. Since his right side is paralyzed, he has difficulty in doing simple tasks like brushing his teeth, or taking a bath. I don’t know why exactly, but he likes to ask me to brush his teeth whenever he can. I’m touched, in a way.

We like watching TV together. Recently, he has acquired a new favorite TV show. There was one morning he was trying to say something that all of us couldn’t understand. He was making all sorts of weird facial expressions and hand gestures. We all thought he was trying to remember the name of a friend, or a relative. Then, out of nowhere he blurts out, “Mr. Bean!” All of us start laughing because he got the actions down pat. Apparently, he thought Mr. Bean was aired everyday. So, now he looks forward to Wednesday evenings.

He’s had a second chance at life and he seems that he has become a much lighter person now. He’s excited about the simplest of things like a really good meal, or an even better dessert. We all enjoy the sound of his voice, even if he only says our names. And sometimes, I feel like his smile is happier now.

There are a lot of changes and daddy really is a new person altogether. It might take a while before we can have lengthy conversations again, or walk around the mall together. I may never get my old one back just the way he was.

I do miss my old daddy, but I love the new one so much more.

They changed my title and left out some parts. But wow, the look on my dad's face was just precious.

An exchange of words.

"Can I call you? I have a problem.."

"Why? What's wrong? Sure.."

ring, ring

"Hello?"

"Hello.."

"Are you okay?"

"Um, yeah.."

"What's the problem..?"

"Uh.. I miss you already."

♥

Something I got in the mail today.

being twenty-something

they call it the "quarter-life crisis." it is when you stop going along
with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself
that you didn't know and may not like.

you start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. you start
realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you
thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have
ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

what you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't
really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.

you look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that
you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you
have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to
your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

one minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. you laugh and
cry with the greatest force of your life.you feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and you try to cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward.

you get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone
decent enough that you want to get to know better.

or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure
out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One-night-stands and random hook-ups start to look cheap. getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

you go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.

you worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...
and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to
be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this
relates to it.

we are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as
we can to figure this whole thing out... "I bend but I do not break."